American Injuns: The First Terrorists

From LandoverBaptist.org

Long before America was attacked by Muslamiacs on September 11, 2001, Baptists recall a time when our dear, Godly ancestors also endured brutal slaughter by terrorist vermin on this very same land. You see, when God sent his followers to claim America as the new Canaan, He neglected to mention it would be filled with millions of lazy Injuns. These savage "squatters," as we've come to call them here at Landover Baptist Church, then had the unmitigated audacity to defy the kindly eviction notices served upon them by God's blue-eyed chosen people. Instead, they terrorized our peaceful ancestors, raping their livestock and engaging in nefarious espionage to steal the smallpox virus for their own selfish purposes.

Nevertheless, our Christian ancestors persevered. And it is for this reason that each November we observe “Thanksgiving” - as a time to “thank” God for “giving” America to people who deserved it much more than the first terrorists: the Injuns.

Injuns and Arabs: Comparing the Roots of Terror

One doesn't have to look too hard to see how similar the indigenous terrorists our American ancestors righteously exterminated are to the foul Arabiac terrorists our Christian nation is eliminating today. Both are dark complected – one red-butted, one negro-lite - and are cursed with jet black hair. Both terrorists are nomadic in nature, and prefer fighting in sweltering, arid places – clear evidence of their alliance with demons, who are accustomed to the heat of hellfire. Both are tent dwellers (one prefers a tee-pee made of deer skin and human scalps, the other a lean-too made of shaved human groin hair and goat feces. Both terrorists are uneducated, uncivilized, and speak in elaborate gibberish languages. Both resent the progress God's chosen people (True Christians™) have made in the world, and direct their jealous hatred toward the one True Religion™, Christianity. Both types of terrorists dress in rags and conceal their filthy hair beneath elaborate terrorist doo-rags: Injuns make theirs with feathers, while Muslims spin toilet paper cocoons called “turbans”). Both rejoice in the slaughter of American citizens.

An End to the First War on Terror

Whether it was with bottoms full of buckshot or bottles drained of booze, the debate still rages as to how our ancestors defeated these first Injun terrorists. We can only thank God that they were defeated, and America is a better country because of it. It should harden our resolve in our faith that our Godly President Bush can and WILL defeat the terrorists of today! Landover Baptist Church members are reminded during this time of Thanksgiving that while the cease-fire with Injuns is still technically in effect, that is no reason to EVER forego the offerings of our Godly Bingo parlors in favor of any sickening, sinful Injun casino.

Our pastors encourage you to use this Christian holiday time to be thankful for the blood-soaked efforts our forefathers made on your behalf in fighting America's first terrorists so that you can pass a lovely Thanksgiving afternoon with your family, enjoying the pleasures of Butterball turkeys and televised professional football.